.
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Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Radio Free Myanmar
As you may have read, the military junta of Myanmar (the country formerly known as Burma®) is cracking down on dissidents after weeks of widespread protests. Kicked off in reaction to spiking oil prices (food for thought), these protests have been led by tens of thousands of monks in their saffron-colored robes, escorted by hand-holding Burmese who have been growing bolder by the day. These people have been subject to the brutality and incompetence of the current regime for almost 20 years, which itself is the outgrowth of Ne Win and his honchos who filled the vacuum left by English colonial rule. Yes, you pale, pinched-nose types, it all comes back to you.
Anyway, we were in Burma in 1996, which was supposed to be “Visit Myanmar Year,” but the government never quite got its act together. This government is one of the most brutal and incompetent ever witnessed in the modern world. Supposedly, Ne Win once had a dream about driving on the opposite side of the road, and put it into law the following day—the commute was a little hectic for some time there as word filtered down to the people. He was also fond of the number “9,” and most of the bills had some connection to it (such as the 45-kyat note). Now, there had been a 50-kyat note, but this also was outlawed overnight. Of course, the people in the know (and in the government) were able to change their bills ahead of time, but woe to the rest (as Elmer Fudd would say).
While we were there we heard the story of another American who bore a faint resemblance to Chuck Norris. After a while, he started to sign in as Ted Norris, Chuck’s younger brother. Eventually, he was pulled aside by members of SLORC, the Draconian-named secret police, and asked what his intentions were in Burma. You see, they had seen the “Missing in Action” series, and wanted to make sure he wasn’t planning similar carnage in Myanmar.
Outside of SLORC and the military, the Burmese were among the friendliest people we had ever met, largely because they hadn’t been tainted by tourism. We remember a fellow on the street sewing up a hole in our backpack and having to insist on him accepting our payment. We did our part to rebel against the government, sneaking past the officially-inflated money-changers at the airport and the entrance-fee-chargers at the temples like Bagan—we could legitimize this, see, because we knew that all revenues were going to this corrupt government. We also went to Aung San Suu Kyi’s house to hear her speak from the gates—they tried this for a little while—and could sense the power of her presence and her words, even if we couldn’t understand them. When we sent some pictures home, they made us take out the ones of her.
We hope this groundswell of the masses can be bolstered by international pressure so that the Burmese people can get the “Freedom From Fear” that Aung San Suu Kyi has written about. In this call, we salute President Bush, who has condemned the oppressive government and called for increased international cooperation and a tightening of sanctions. Yes, you read that correctly: we are supporting President Bush in his advocacy for the spread of democracy— in this case, at least. We are waiting for the pigs to fly out of our ass.
Anyway, we were in Burma in 1996, which was supposed to be “Visit Myanmar Year,” but the government never quite got its act together. This government is one of the most brutal and incompetent ever witnessed in the modern world. Supposedly, Ne Win once had a dream about driving on the opposite side of the road, and put it into law the following day—the commute was a little hectic for some time there as word filtered down to the people. He was also fond of the number “9,” and most of the bills had some connection to it (such as the 45-kyat note). Now, there had been a 50-kyat note, but this also was outlawed overnight. Of course, the people in the know (and in the government) were able to change their bills ahead of time, but woe to the rest (as Elmer Fudd would say).
While we were there we heard the story of another American who bore a faint resemblance to Chuck Norris. After a while, he started to sign in as Ted Norris, Chuck’s younger brother. Eventually, he was pulled aside by members of SLORC, the Draconian-named secret police, and asked what his intentions were in Burma. You see, they had seen the “Missing in Action” series, and wanted to make sure he wasn’t planning similar carnage in Myanmar.
Outside of SLORC and the military, the Burmese were among the friendliest people we had ever met, largely because they hadn’t been tainted by tourism. We remember a fellow on the street sewing up a hole in our backpack and having to insist on him accepting our payment. We did our part to rebel against the government, sneaking past the officially-inflated money-changers at the airport and the entrance-fee-chargers at the temples like Bagan—we could legitimize this, see, because we knew that all revenues were going to this corrupt government. We also went to Aung San Suu Kyi’s house to hear her speak from the gates—they tried this for a little while—and could sense the power of her presence and her words, even if we couldn’t understand them. When we sent some pictures home, they made us take out the ones of her.
We hope this groundswell of the masses can be bolstered by international pressure so that the Burmese people can get the “Freedom From Fear” that Aung San Suu Kyi has written about. In this call, we salute President Bush, who has condemned the oppressive government and called for increased international cooperation and a tightening of sanctions. Yes, you read that correctly: we are supporting President Bush in his advocacy for the spread of democracy— in this case, at least. We are waiting for the pigs to fly out of our ass.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Face/Off
...only this time, instead of Nick Cage and John Travolta, it’s Dubya and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. After watching Iran’s president being interrogated by Scott Pelley on 60 Minutes last night, we now understand why Georgie-Pooh has declined the request for a debate.
1. He has already brainwashed the media to accept his perspective and voice his viewpoints for him (We were already aware of this in general, but very alarmed to see it on 6o Minutes).
2. If they were to debate one-on-one, it’s pretty clear that Mahmoud would tear his ass up.
We say, let the man speak. And if the words do turn out to be idiotic, such as denying the Holocaust again, let the man dig his own grave. But this wagon-circling let’s-hold-everyone-responsible-for-9/11 blather we hear being trumpeted by politicians and the media alike is sickening.
For the sake of fairness (or handicapping), we’ll give the less articulate one the final word. These, according to Pelley, were Dubya’s exact words for his bearded rival:
You've made terrible choices for your people. You've isolated your nation. You've taken a nation of proud and honorable people and made your country the pariah of the world.
We can’t help but feel, of course, that he might just as well have been talking to himself.
The full interview is available at http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=3289581n&channel=/elements/2007/09/23/60minutes/videoarchive3289424_1_videosection_page.shtml
1. He has already brainwashed the media to accept his perspective and voice his viewpoints for him (We were already aware of this in general, but very alarmed to see it on 6o Minutes).
2. If they were to debate one-on-one, it’s pretty clear that Mahmoud would tear his ass up.
We say, let the man speak. And if the words do turn out to be idiotic, such as denying the Holocaust again, let the man dig his own grave. But this wagon-circling let’s-hold-everyone-responsible-for-9/11 blather we hear being trumpeted by politicians and the media alike is sickening.
For the sake of fairness (or handicapping), we’ll give the less articulate one the final word. These, according to Pelley, were Dubya’s exact words for his bearded rival:
You've made terrible choices for your people. You've isolated your nation. You've taken a nation of proud and honorable people and made your country the pariah of the world.
We can’t help but feel, of course, that he might just as well have been talking to himself.
The full interview is available at http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=3289581n&channel=/elements/2007/09/23/60minutes/videoarchive3289424_1_videosection_page.shtml
Rock Out With Your Caulk Out
Such is the motto of our Canadian compadre, housepainter by trade, and such is the best summation we can make of a blowout weekend in Toronto CA (figuratively speaking, of course).
Actually, that is the best summation of the first night, a combined birthday celebration for three people celebrating a collective 110 years, an event which brought out numerous 80s classics and even had Ours Truly shaking a leg or two. The next two days were recovery, which included lots of carnivorous fare (and garlic-- and kim-chi) along with sun-basking on the beach. Who knew? We thought Lake Ontario was only good for ice fishing.
Actually, that is the best summation of the first night, a combined birthday celebration for three people celebrating a collective 110 years, an event which brought out numerous 80s classics and even had Ours Truly shaking a leg or two. The next two days were recovery, which included lots of carnivorous fare (and garlic-- and kim-chi) along with sun-basking on the beach. Who knew? We thought Lake Ontario was only good for ice fishing.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The Great White North
Off to our neighbor to the north... you see, we're scouting locations for when we eventually have to flee the country-- it probably won't be long now. Looking forward to polite people and some good clean fun (along with the crullers and the back bacon). Will file a more in-depth report on our return, in case you don't know what we are talking aboot.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Bush Endorses Giuliani
Much like his buddy Putin, Bush has handpicked his chosen successor, as evidenced by his choice of federal judge Michael Mukasey as attorney general. You see, Mr. Mukasey is an old buddy of Herr Giuliani, to the extent that Rudolph was sworn in as mayor by Mukasey in Mukasey’s own apartment. In a letter sent after the inauguration, Mr. Mukasey wrote: “Please also know that my admiration and love (and Susan’s,) for (both of) you and your family is without limit.”
I think you will understand why we used the parentheses.
This is not the first time Dubya has sought to intertwine his legacy with “Rubya’s”: remember the bungled appointment of Bernard Kerik as Director of Homeland Security? This is a clear effort by the man dubbed “the cockiest guy I’ve ever met” by former Mexican president Vicente Fox to further blur the lines between 9/11 and the War in Iraq. Our fear is that, despite his dismal approval writings, he has succeeded in terms of the collective subconscious continuing to conflate the two, and that Republican leaders still stand a good chance of winning with his policies, if not his name.
I think you will understand why we used the parentheses.
This is not the first time Dubya has sought to intertwine his legacy with “Rubya’s”: remember the bungled appointment of Bernard Kerik as Director of Homeland Security? This is a clear effort by the man dubbed “the cockiest guy I’ve ever met” by former Mexican president Vicente Fox to further blur the lines between 9/11 and the War in Iraq. Our fear is that, despite his dismal approval writings, he has succeeded in terms of the collective subconscious continuing to conflate the two, and that Republican leaders still stand a good chance of winning with his policies, if not his name.
As for that “75-year-old package of waning testosterone”…
Donald Rumsfeld is holed up in Taos, New Mexico, writing his memoirs. Asked if he misses W., he responded, “Um, no.”
This apt description of Rummy is courtesy of GQ’s Lisa DePaulo, as quoted by Maureen Dowd in the NYT.
This apt description of Rummy is courtesy of GQ’s Lisa DePaulo, as quoted by Maureen Dowd in the NYT.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Another Raid on the Sun?
It now appears that an Israeli strike into Syria back on September 6th was a mission to take out a site perceived to have been a fledging nuclear program— supplied by the North Koreans. As you can imagine, this strike (and the (lack of) response that has followed it) has several implications:
1. If, in fact, the North Koreans are supplying nuclear technology, in the face of recent negotiations, all we can say is, “Kim Jung be Illin’.”
(Editor’s note—although, we must confess, much as when we first heard Run-DMC utter those words, we are not exactly sure what they mean)
2. Could this have been a trial run for an attack on Iran? If so, the lack of vehement response from the Arab world could have been the green light.
Israel has been down this road before, as chronicled in Rodger Claire’s excellent book Raid on the Sun: Inside Israel's Secret Campaign that Denied Saddam the Bomb. Whatever you think of Israel’s policy, it was hard not to come away from that one without some grudging respect for their military men… and the recognition that the strike did, in fact, waylay Saddam’s nuclear ambitions. Unfortunately, it also seems to have encouraged the Bushies. To a(n extreme) fault, the Bush administration has shown that it is perfectly willing to sit back and let Israel do its dirty work, even when, as last summer’s debacle into Lebanon showed, widespread killing of the innocent civilians is involved.
What are we saying? Well, that a strike on Iran’s nuclear facilities has just become a more-likely likelihood. Especially if Cheney has anything to say about it.
1. If, in fact, the North Koreans are supplying nuclear technology, in the face of recent negotiations, all we can say is, “Kim Jung be Illin’.”
(Editor’s note—although, we must confess, much as when we first heard Run-DMC utter those words, we are not exactly sure what they mean)
2. Could this have been a trial run for an attack on Iran? If so, the lack of vehement response from the Arab world could have been the green light.
Israel has been down this road before, as chronicled in Rodger Claire’s excellent book Raid on the Sun: Inside Israel's Secret Campaign that Denied Saddam the Bomb. Whatever you think of Israel’s policy, it was hard not to come away from that one without some grudging respect for their military men… and the recognition that the strike did, in fact, waylay Saddam’s nuclear ambitions. Unfortunately, it also seems to have encouraged the Bushies. To a(n extreme) fault, the Bush administration has shown that it is perfectly willing to sit back and let Israel do its dirty work, even when, as last summer’s debacle into Lebanon showed, widespread killing of the innocent civilians is involved.
What are we saying? Well, that a strike on Iran’s nuclear facilities has just become a more-likely likelihood. Especially if Cheney has anything to say about it.
Outsourcing the War (Continued)
In addition to the private contractors/mercenaries previously mentioned, the current US military also has another steady source of manpower: noncitizens seeking a green card. About 21,000 of them, according to the Defense Department. As the New York Times put it this morning, “Every year, some of these soldiers become citizens only after they have literally been wrapped in the flag.” While most are aware of how the armed forces cull the most destitute parts of the US, offering self-sacrifice to the “Rich Man’s War” as a ticket out, making the military an accelerated path to citizenship takes this to a whole other level.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Murky Water
This morning comes the news that Blackwater USA has been banned from Iraq after a gun battle that left 8 Iraqi civilians dead. We see this as a pivotal moment in the war, perhaps as a bookend to the company’s “Mogadishu Moment” back in March 2004, when four of its contractors’ charred bodies were hung in effigy from a Fallujah bridge, precipitating a brutal siege of the city and uptick in US aggression overall.
Hopefully this most recent incident will further shed light on the privatization of the Iraq War, in which private companies operate outside the law and even knowledge of the US government and its people (not to mention the Iraqis!). We’ve heard that 40% of the spending goes to such private firms, and that there are up to 40,000 private contractors operating in military roles, of whom around 800 have been killed (but not included in any official reports). Indeed, these private contractors are so entrenched that we are not even sure if such an order from the Iraqi government can and will be enforced.
Their founder is Erik Prince, a right-wing fundamentalist Christian who is almost exactly our age (which, for the record, is “Older than Jesus®”). Along with operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, Blackwater has been pressing to get their “troops” installed in Darfur: noble, one would think, but since they have been pushing to get into a predominately Christian area, we fear this could become a “crusade” in the worst sense of the word.
Oh, and they were deployed in New Orleans (after Katrina) as well. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***ers.
Much of our information was culled from Jeremy Cahill, author of the book Blackwater, who can be seen in the following clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqM4tKPDlR8
Hopefully this most recent incident will further shed light on the privatization of the Iraq War, in which private companies operate outside the law and even knowledge of the US government and its people (not to mention the Iraqis!). We’ve heard that 40% of the spending goes to such private firms, and that there are up to 40,000 private contractors operating in military roles, of whom around 800 have been killed (but not included in any official reports). Indeed, these private contractors are so entrenched that we are not even sure if such an order from the Iraqi government can and will be enforced.
Their founder is Erik Prince, a right-wing fundamentalist Christian who is almost exactly our age (which, for the record, is “Older than Jesus®”). Along with operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, Blackwater has been pressing to get their “troops” installed in Darfur: noble, one would think, but since they have been pushing to get into a predominately Christian area, we fear this could become a “crusade” in the worst sense of the word.
Oh, and they were deployed in New Orleans (after Katrina) as well. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***ers.
Much of our information was culled from Jeremy Cahill, author of the book Blackwater, who can be seen in the following clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqM4tKPDlR8
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Warrus Interruptus
Bottom line: there are two ways this whole surge thing can end up. As Thomas Ricks, author of the aptly-titled Fiasco, put it over the summer, there are 2 basic scenarios:
1. The surge goes well: the downtick in violence is accompanied by political breakthrough, which allows the US to draw down its troops to the realm of 60-80,000 by 2009.
2. The surge does not go well: violence continues amidst political turmoil, and political pressure dovetails with logistical constraints, which forces the US to draw down its troops to the realm of 60-80,000 by 2009.
In the words of the Pentagon (apparently), “We’re out of Schlitz.” The decisions have already been made. Not only are we staying the course, but there is no real alternative.
To their credit, although they have been avoiding the details (such as the actual number of troops involved here), Senators Clinton and Obama seem to be recognizing this with their latest plans. It all comes down to semantics: what do you call it? “Withdrawal” has become equated with “defeat,” while “limited withdrawal”… well, guys, we don’t recommend it. Plus, if we do pull out, well, the movies we’ve seen usually don’t end at that moment.
1. The surge goes well: the downtick in violence is accompanied by political breakthrough, which allows the US to draw down its troops to the realm of 60-80,000 by 2009.
2. The surge does not go well: violence continues amidst political turmoil, and political pressure dovetails with logistical constraints, which forces the US to draw down its troops to the realm of 60-80,000 by 2009.
In the words of the Pentagon (apparently), “We’re out of Schlitz.” The decisions have already been made. Not only are we staying the course, but there is no real alternative.
To their credit, although they have been avoiding the details (such as the actual number of troops involved here), Senators Clinton and Obama seem to be recognizing this with their latest plans. It all comes down to semantics: what do you call it? “Withdrawal” has become equated with “defeat,” while “limited withdrawal”… well, guys, we don’t recommend it. Plus, if we do pull out, well, the movies we’ve seen usually don’t end at that moment.
Lipstick on the Pig
While some have used this term to explain how Bush & co. are reporting on the surge, we feel that this is not one of those relationships where you actually look at the pig in the face.
Hold still…
Hold still…
He’s Drunk the Kool-Aid
Amidst all this talk about the resurgence of John McCain’s campaign, we checked out the man himself on Meet the Press this morning with an open mind. After all, we had voted for him in Mississippi’s Republican primary back in the year 2000, albeit mostly because, in our words, “We disliked Bush more than we liked Gore” and had the option of voting for either party. The was something about his “Straight Talk Express” back then that was refreshing, although we were never comfortable with the way he pridefully referred to himself as “a Reagan Republican.” Did this mean that he was going senile? In favor of jacking up the deficit and letting future generations pay for it? Trickling down his economics? Undermining foreign governments as well as our own, as in the case of the Contras? Ready to declare the jelly bean a fruit?
Since then, of course, the “Straight Talk Express” has changed to the “No Surrender” Winnebago, and therein lies the problem.
Our summation: he talks too slow. And he’s old. These two overriding concerns are related: he speaks with a kind of paternalistic conviction that comes with old age, when one has it all figured out, to which events will inevitably fall into place and confirm … which is precisely what the overriding problem with the Bush administration’s policy (or lack thereof) has been all along.
It reminded us of McCain’s visit to the Potemkin village of Baghdad back in April (right around April Fool’s Day, as we recall), when he described it as a safe, bustling place full of warmly welcoming Iraqis, and a fellow Republican, Mike Pence, said it was “like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime.” Both, of course, neglected to mention the platoon of 100+ soldiers, three Black Hawk choppers and two Apache gunships which served as their escorts.
Now, General Petraeus is being heralded as the second coming of Christ, and his (carefully-edited) words are being prepared for inclusion in the “New and Improved Testament.” We wouldn’t be surprised to hear McCain refer to Petraeus as “General Resurrect Us.” You know you have a problem when your old buddy John Kerry out-debates you. Time to put down the plastic cup, Mr. McCain, and walk away from the oversized tin pail while you can still walk straight.
Since then, of course, the “Straight Talk Express” has changed to the “No Surrender” Winnebago, and therein lies the problem.
Our summation: he talks too slow. And he’s old. These two overriding concerns are related: he speaks with a kind of paternalistic conviction that comes with old age, when one has it all figured out, to which events will inevitably fall into place and confirm … which is precisely what the overriding problem with the Bush administration’s policy (or lack thereof) has been all along.
It reminded us of McCain’s visit to the Potemkin village of Baghdad back in April (right around April Fool’s Day, as we recall), when he described it as a safe, bustling place full of warmly welcoming Iraqis, and a fellow Republican, Mike Pence, said it was “like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime.” Both, of course, neglected to mention the platoon of 100+ soldiers, three Black Hawk choppers and two Apache gunships which served as their escorts.
Now, General Petraeus is being heralded as the second coming of Christ, and his (carefully-edited) words are being prepared for inclusion in the “New and Improved Testament.” We wouldn’t be surprised to hear McCain refer to Petraeus as “General Resurrect Us.” You know you have a problem when your old buddy John Kerry out-debates you. Time to put down the plastic cup, Mr. McCain, and walk away from the oversized tin pail while you can still walk straight.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
What Did You Expect?
We found the most revealing moment of the recent Congressional hearings on Iraq to have come after Senator John Warner’s question to Petraeus as to whether the strategy in Iraq was making America safer. After initially skirting the issue by sticking to his parameters in Iraq, he responded simply, “Sir, I don’t know, actually.”
And that’s our point: Petraeus is a good man who’s been given a job to do: win the war in Iraq by whatever definition he can muster. In that, he is not charged with determining whether or not US troops could be used more effectively in Afghanistan, or will soon be needed elsewhere. Whether or not overextended soldiers will just burn out, or the armed forces will simply run out of bodies. Whether the outsourced US army will be effectively taken over by private right-wing corporations like Blackwater. Whether the US reputation in the world will sink even lower. None of this is his immediate concern, and like Westmoreland in ‘Nam, he will continue to ask for as many troops and as many resources as he can get his hands on. To have expected anything else is naïve with extra-large umlauts.
No, these decisions are all in the incompetent hands of our Commander-in-Chief, who has made it clear that he will not adjust on any of them. Like the whole decision to invade, the Democrats are being played once again. The fact that the hearing took place on September 11th should tell you something: the Bushies will keep blurring that line all the way to the end. Face the facts: the war is not going anywhere until a Democrat gets into that office. Once they do, they may find it difficult to undo what they are partially responsible for.
And that’s our point: Petraeus is a good man who’s been given a job to do: win the war in Iraq by whatever definition he can muster. In that, he is not charged with determining whether or not US troops could be used more effectively in Afghanistan, or will soon be needed elsewhere. Whether or not overextended soldiers will just burn out, or the armed forces will simply run out of bodies. Whether the outsourced US army will be effectively taken over by private right-wing corporations like Blackwater. Whether the US reputation in the world will sink even lower. None of this is his immediate concern, and like Westmoreland in ‘Nam, he will continue to ask for as many troops and as many resources as he can get his hands on. To have expected anything else is naïve with extra-large umlauts.
No, these decisions are all in the incompetent hands of our Commander-in-Chief, who has made it clear that he will not adjust on any of them. Like the whole decision to invade, the Democrats are being played once again. The fact that the hearing took place on September 11th should tell you something: the Bushies will keep blurring that line all the way to the end. Face the facts: the war is not going anywhere until a Democrat gets into that office. Once they do, they may find it difficult to undo what they are partially responsible for.
Move On, MoveOn
Eli Pariser is a partisan jackass. We used to subscribe to MoveOn.org’s updates back in the day, as they were right on Iraq back in the beginning. We soon soured on them, though… in the California recall election, they started a campaign of personal attacks on Ah-nold, which turned us off right away. We ended our subscription by saying that it was pretty sad that they couldn’t provide a single positive reason to vote for a candidate (in that case, Governor Gray Davis). And now he/they are going after General Petraeus (aka General Betray-Us)? The small-town boy made good? He used to be known as “Peaches,” for Chrissake! Stick to the issues, and stop making these inane personal attacks that will only undermine your position, you self-indulgent piece of… uh, um….
Flashback: 9/11/01
We had just come out of a graduate seminar, and our Commander-in-Chief was speaking to the American people from the TV screen, or at least those uncomfortably milling in the hallway outside. We took one look and declared, “Oh, that fills us full of confidence!” We got a lot of evil stares, and slinked (slunk?) away.
Give Britney a Break
We must say, we were caught a bit off guard by all the “hatin’” going Britney Spears’(s?) way. We caught a clip of her performance and, well, it wasn’t good, but we found the response downright cruel. The NY Times, supposedly a bastion of decency, referred to her “muffin-top abs” and her “bleachy bedhead” wig… we must confess, we didn’t think she looked that bad, albeit a shadow over her former self, but our main point is:
People, this woman is SICK. She is not right in the head right now, which probably had something to do with her shaving it. Dr. Phil even got into the act on Letterman, saying that she should have worn a sweatsuit.
Hell, we taught kids as recently as last year, yet if we went in a classroom today, we’d probably fall flat on our face. Clearly, she’s done. As Sarah Silverman (apparently) said, “She is amazing! I mean, she is 25 years old and she’s already accomplished ... everything she’s going to accomplish in life.” That’s a lot to live with.
But then again, we suppose that that’s the American way: maximize their utility, chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out. Who’s next?
People, this woman is SICK. She is not right in the head right now, which probably had something to do with her shaving it. Dr. Phil even got into the act on Letterman, saying that she should have worn a sweatsuit.
Hell, we taught kids as recently as last year, yet if we went in a classroom today, we’d probably fall flat on our face. Clearly, she’s done. As Sarah Silverman (apparently) said, “She is amazing! I mean, she is 25 years old and she’s already accomplished ... everything she’s going to accomplish in life.” That’s a lot to live with.
But then again, we suppose that that’s the American way: maximize their utility, chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out. Who’s next?
Borax
No, we are not referring to your favorite Kazhakistani, but the heavy-duty cleaner, which we recently learned from our sister-in-law can take that edge off those workout clothes that (apparently ) you/we never quite get out with the non-industrial-strength stuff. When we looked it up online we found its official name to be "20 Mule Team Borax"... which sounds about right.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Hidin’ Out Like Osama
If you’ve been wondering why you haven’t heard from us for a while, it’s because we are on the proverbial lam. Seems as we left a few too many clues about our undisclosed offshore location, and we could feel the Fed-heads closing in; apparently, they weren’t overly fond of our “Un-American activities,” and were making full use of the eavesdropping powers the Democrats have rubber-stamped. As the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you. So, we’ve fled like Osama without the IV. Like the most recent “intelligence” indicates, we too have decided not to go subterranean, and are instead holed up on the top floor of a house in a semi-populous area. We’ll play it by feel, but may have to leave the country on short notice (undisclosed international location, anyone?). Stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Homosexuality Is the New Communism
It’s true, just listen to the words of Larry Craig: “I am not gay; I never have been gay.” Sounds like he is testifying before the McCarthy commission.
We also must say, we really don’t understand why this foot-tapping business is even a crime at all. While we aren’t advocates for anonymous sex no matter what the coupling (at least, not when using our own name!), it seems to us that the Senator’s two-step was merely a prelude to consensual sex, in which no one would have been the victim and no child’s behind was, um… you get the idea.
In our eyes, the real victim is the senator himself, the victim of a right-wing agenda he has been co-opted by in a 27-year effort to suppress and hide his inner urges to support a platform that doesn’t allow his true self to be considered an equal to the likes of, say, David Vitter.
We also must say, we really don’t understand why this foot-tapping business is even a crime at all. While we aren’t advocates for anonymous sex no matter what the coupling (at least, not when using our own name!), it seems to us that the Senator’s two-step was merely a prelude to consensual sex, in which no one would have been the victim and no child’s behind was, um… you get the idea.
In our eyes, the real victim is the senator himself, the victim of a right-wing agenda he has been co-opted by in a 27-year effort to suppress and hide his inner urges to support a platform that doesn’t allow his true self to be considered an equal to the likes of, say, David Vitter.
"Mr. Watson -- come here -- I want to see you."
It’s a little-known fact that Alexander Graham Bell first attempted to foot-tap this message to his assistant in the neighboring water closet. Due to Mr. Watson’s unfamiliarity with the limp-ankled “code,” Mr. Bell ended up inventing the phone instead. Notice how no one knows what Bell’s second words were?
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Foot-Tapping From Toilets
Alright, fellas, how many of you, after learning about Idaho senator Larry Craig’s escapades, thought back to the last dump you took in an airport terminal? Were you listening to your iPod— and, if so, were you tapping your feet to the rhythm? How about those with “restless-leg syndrome” in the proverbial house?
As for Senator Craig, this gives new meaning to the phrase “his seat is up for election,” especially when delivered in a strong Japanese accent.
(Editor's note-- We hear his seat is now open)
As for Senator Craig, this gives new meaning to the phrase “his seat is up for election,” especially when delivered in a strong Japanese accent.
(Editor's note-- We hear his seat is now open)
Trans-Testicle Nation
Having recently adopted a new health insurance plan, we were somewhat flustered by having been charged the female rate of an additional $19. When we called customer service about this error, we asked for the standard male rate “unless the surgery would be covered.” We think we even detected a slight chuckle from the other end before the opposing voice processed our request.
Despite all this, however, we just received the bill, sent out a week later, which remains at the female rate. While initially considering the possibility that the surgery was, in fact, covered, we can only assume that this is another example of attempted buggery on the part of the American consumer services industry. To wit--
Despite all this, however, we just received the bill, sent out a week later, which remains at the female rate. While initially considering the possibility that the surgery was, in fact, covered, we can only assume that this is another example of attempted buggery on the part of the American consumer services industry. To wit--
Corporate America-- Screwing Us Softly With Their Scams
Why do companies:
Only have to refund the money due if they “accidentally” overcharge you?
Have the ability to “automatically” re-bill you without consent?
Not have to publicly post their inflated “Shipping & Handling” Rates?
Let you get right through if you’re trying to start service, but keep you on hold for hours if you’re trying to end it?
Oh, wait a minute, we’re starting to see a pattern here. Maybe that Marx character was onto something after all.
Only have to refund the money due if they “accidentally” overcharge you?
Have the ability to “automatically” re-bill you without consent?
Not have to publicly post their inflated “Shipping & Handling” Rates?
Let you get right through if you’re trying to start service, but keep you on hold for hours if you’re trying to end it?
Oh, wait a minute, we’re starting to see a pattern here. Maybe that Marx character was onto something after all.
Let Them Grow Opium
According to the New York Times, opium cultivation in Afghanistan has reached record levels for the second year in a row, despite a $600,000,000 US counter-narcotics effort. Having previously clamped down on poppy production, the Taliban is (are?) apparently now encouraging farmers to grow opium in the areas they control. US efforts to eradicate the crop have (obviously) been ineffective and only served to radicalize the local population.
Which brings us to our somewhat radical proposal: pay Afghan farmers market rates for their poppies, which would then be destroyed. “Buy it and burn it,” we say, and in the process give the Taliban a dose of their own medicine, as it were. We would even allow the Incompetent-in-Chief’s speechwriters to issue said policy in his next presidential address by having him look directly into the camera and declare, “Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”
Which brings us to our somewhat radical proposal: pay Afghan farmers market rates for their poppies, which would then be destroyed. “Buy it and burn it,” we say, and in the process give the Taliban a dose of their own medicine, as it were. We would even allow the Incompetent-in-Chief’s speechwriters to issue said policy in his next presidential address by having him look directly into the camera and declare, “Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”
Turning Wine Into Water
Amidst the forest fires that have been ravaging Greece, we found the following story rather heartening. It seems that after running out of water with which to battle the blaze, a certain George Dimopoulous, of Makitos, Greece, filled his copper hand-pumped crop sprayer with his homemade wine. With the help of 200 liters of vino, he was able to save his house and neighborhood. While we would have been more impressed if Mr. Dimopoulous had miraculously produced enough catfish for a block-party fish-fry, we are duly impressed nonetheless.
(Editor’s note—this information also came from the New York Times, circa Tuesday or Wednesday. You see, here on our undisclosed offshore location, when you go to the “paper store,” they ask you if you would like yesterday’s or today’s edition. If you answer, in a huff, “Well, today’s, of course,” they will tell you, in a deliberate manner, “Come back tomorrow.”)
(Editor’s note—this information also came from the New York Times, circa Tuesday or Wednesday. You see, here on our undisclosed offshore location, when you go to the “paper store,” they ask you if you would like yesterday’s or today’s edition. If you answer, in a huff, “Well, today’s, of course,” they will tell you, in a deliberate manner, “Come back tomorrow.”)
Putin’s Posse
No story here; we just like saying the word “Putin.” We also wonder how he resisted the temptation to name his firstborn “Razz.”
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