When you pass that perilous threshold of 33, it is time to take stock of your life. That’s what we did, uh, fairly recently, and, needless to say, our accomplishments did not quite measure up to the Big Guy’s. If nothing else, however, we decided we would no longer ask ourselves “What would Jesus do?”, because at our age he was dead (and resurrecting yourself is not an option). If you, like us, occasionally lose track of your age, here are some signs that you may have already passed that milestone:
1. Hair has started growing out of your ears.
2. You have bald spots along your sock line.
3. You no longer tell your story about learning about John Lennon’s death on the school bus (when you thought they were referring to Jack London of White Fang and Call of the Wild fame—you were crushed)
(Editor’s note—the last time you told this, someone looked at you strangely and asked, “How old are you?”)
4. You still quote lines from Caddyshack, but only in the right company.
5. You are finally fully cognizant of the fact that NCAA athletes are younger than you.
6. You have finally accepted the fact that you will never be a professional athlete.
(Editor’s note—Well, maybe not—see 756* below)
7. You get sore after a round of croquet.
8. You have quit trying to cut out the “stray” grey hair along your temples.
9. You occasionally try to cut out the stray gray hair on your chest.
(Editor’s note—note, young metro-testicles, that a real man does not wax)
(Additional editor’s note—we noticed in the pharmacy the other day that there was an Australian waxing product for men named “Nads.” In our day that meant something else)
10. You remember, somewhat guiltily, making jokes about the space shuttle Challenger, and what color the astronauts’ eyes were.
(Editor’s note—Blue. One blue this way, and one blue that way)
11. You have accepted the fact that you didn’t accomplish most of the things on your “To Do Before I Turn Thirty” list—but have given yourself an extension on the ménage à trois.
12. When watching the news about Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan, you have a greater urge to help them than take advantage of them.
(Editor’s note—unless it would help check off #11)
13. You no longer try to watch the squiggly channels on TV.
(Editor’s note—this has more to do with modern technology than any sort of maturity)
14. You have no interest in men’s magazines like Stuff and Maxim.
(Editor’s note—this also might have something to do with technology)
15. You actually buy Playboy for the articles too (well, you would, but you still can’t work up the courage to actually buy it).
16. You’ve become more of a “butt” than “breast” man.
17. White women bore you.
(Editor’s note—nos. 16 & 17 are related)
(Additional editor’s note—this is not, in fact, completely true—but we have inspired at least one white woman to go out and buy a drill bit)
18. You no longer experiment with facial hair.
19. You have acknowledged that you were never intended to have long hair, and have foresworn any future attempts to grow some.
(Editor’s note—to put 18 & 19 more succinctly, you have decided that you will make no more attempts to look like the white European Jesus—or the real one, for that matter)
20. You remember when you first learned that “bitch” could be a verb—when listening to Billy Joel’s Big Shot on your red-checked Fisher-Price stereo.
(Editor’s note—while you are not overly proud of 52nd Street being your first album, you are glad that you chose that over its main competition, the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack)
21. You get misty-eyed—or, at least, your nose starts to flare—when watching families reunite on the Maury show.
22. You sometimes buy yourself flowers.
23. You still haven’t forgiven yourself for not learning the guitar in elementary school.
24. You still haven’t forgiven your parents for throwing out your baseball cards.
25. You have forgiven your parents for throwing out your old Chuck T’s.
26. You sometimes wear your sunglasses when it’s not that bright out—to cover up your crow’s feet.
27. You understand why Bono wears his all the time.
28. You have discovered embarrassing paraphernalia in your parents’ bedside table—and still are unable to face it.
29. You sometimes size up a woman by imagining what physical traits she could pass on to your sons.
30. You’ve learned to like wine—and pretend to like martinis.
(Editor’s note— shaken, of course, not stirred)
31. You’ve become a snob about coffee—or, at least, have finally realized that Starbucks just tastes burnt.
32. You no longer throw darts at a picture of the pope.
(Editor’s note— you were young. And—we must clarify—never at pictures of Jesus)
33. You keep telling yourself that one of these days you’re going to learn how to type.
33½. You see the glass as half empty.
(Editor’s note—you also realize, at this point, that 33½ (or 33 1/3 ?) is also number of RPMs on all those LPs you saved from your childhood, which are undoubtedly warped by now, especially since you stored them on their side)
