Prior to the aforementioned mission to Dublin, however, our roving
reporter will be embarking on a private, and admittedly
self-indulgent, quest to find the farmhouse of his English ancestors,
which dates from the 16th century and is apparently still intact. He
reports that he will set out for Cubbington, Warwickshire, tomorrow,
armed with the knowledge of its being 'about a mile north of St.
Mary's church' (?).
He will travel northwest by rail before transferring to bus no. 68,
which runs to Cubbington from the alternate terminus of Leamington Spa Stud Farm.
We could not, as they say, make this stuff up.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Hyperliterature
No, we refer not to our own prose, but that of a certain James Joyce
(the original JJ), whose writing has been referred to as such. Our
roving reporter reports that he has followed through with his threat
to purchase Ulysses, despite being forwarned that it was unreadable
(he took this as a challenge). Critics have deemed said tome as
'literary Bolshevism', while Joyce himself first referred to it as a
novel, then 'epic','encyclopedia', maledettisimo romanzaccione
(roughly, , damnedest monstrously big novel'), finally settling simply
for 'book'.
The novel takes place over the span of a single day in Dublin, circa
1904. When 'our man' realized (when drinking Guinness) that this day
coincided with his birthday, his mission/fate was sealed.
He did not realize at the time, however, that it would be 980 pages.
(the original JJ), whose writing has been referred to as such. Our
roving reporter reports that he has followed through with his threat
to purchase Ulysses, despite being forwarned that it was unreadable
(he took this as a challenge). Critics have deemed said tome as
'literary Bolshevism', while Joyce himself first referred to it as a
novel, then 'epic','encyclopedia', maledettisimo romanzaccione
(roughly, , damnedest monstrously big novel'), finally settling simply
for 'book'.
The novel takes place over the span of a single day in Dublin, circa
1904. When 'our man' realized (when drinking Guinness) that this day
coincided with his birthday, his mission/fate was sealed.
He did not realize at the time, however, that it would be 980 pages.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The Word from Cambridge
from our roving correspondent:
Went to a concert at the famed King's College Cathedral yesterday, which was bloody awful-- we felt like we were in detention. The structure is beautiful, of course, and organ and trumpet were charming, but an hour and a half of looking at the ceiling and watching other people grimace was rather unnecessary.
We realize that could be misinterpreted.
(Editor's note-- it sounds like "our man" is turning Continental)
Went to a concert at the famed King's College Cathedral yesterday, which was bloody awful-- we felt like we were in detention. The structure is beautiful, of course, and organ and trumpet were charming, but an hour and a half of looking at the ceiling and watching other people grimace was rather unnecessary.
We realize that could be misinterpreted.
(Editor's note-- it sounds like "our man" is turning Continental)
Friday, July 20, 2007
Overt Operations
Our features editor will be on assignment the coming week. While, for reasons of national security, we cannot provide more specifics at this time, we are authorized to disclose that it will involve rogue Americans, Russians, a couple Swedes, and a Scandinavian socialist named “Odd.”
Fiddler’s Farts
Upon conclusion of said conference, he is reported to be en route to Dublin, where he will attempt to read James Joyce and/or find the lost river of Guinness. He is under specific instructions not to try to talk like an Irishman when inebriated. We are not overly optimistic.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Project "Democracy"
After extended research, we are pleased to announce that this country of ours will not be forever scarred by the current debacle in Iraq (or, as John Stewart aptly calls it, "Mess-O’-Potamia"). Turns out this country has a long history of presidentially-ordained “with-us-or-against-us” regime-changes-cum-quagmires in which the Hypocrasizer-in-Chiefs have supported colonialist and dictatorial interests in the name of spreading democracy… and the majority of the world seems to have, if not forgiven us, at least forgotten about it. The following is this reader’s digested list of the ones we know about:
1953—Iran (Project “Ajax”): Prodded by British oil interests, “Kim” Roosevelt (grandson of TR, the “Original Colonizer”) and others engineer an overthrow of Prime Minister Mohammad Mossadegh, propping up the Shah in the process. Gee, that worked out well.
1954—Guatemala (Project “Success”): Representing the interests of the United Fruit Company and freedom-loving people everywhere, the US covertly overthrows elected President Jocobo Guzman Arbenz, sinking a British merchant vessel in the process. Inaugurates a series of brutal dictatorships through the 1980s, with residual corruption and human rights abuses continuing to this very day.
1956,1957—Syria (Operations “Wakeful” and “Wappen”): US attempts to trigger coups to forestall the “leftist” Ba’ath Party. Both fail miserably. Pass the So’oap.
1957-1958—Indonesia (Operation “Archipelago”/ Project “Haik”): USA assists and conducts unsuccessful paramilitary operations against the government of Achmed Sukarno in reaction to his non-alignment strategy, under which he had proposed such inflammatory ideas as an American-Soviet summit (Hey, like we said, you’re either with us or against us!).
1959—Iraq (Codename unknown): US sets up interagency group to consider covert operations to prevent a Communist takeover. Six months later comes the attempted assassination of the Iraqi leader Abdul Karim Qasim by a young up-and-comer named Saddam Hussein.
1953—Iran (Project “Ajax”): Prodded by British oil interests, “Kim” Roosevelt (grandson of TR, the “Original Colonizer”) and others engineer an overthrow of Prime Minister Mohammad Mossadegh, propping up the Shah in the process. Gee, that worked out well.
1954—Guatemala (Project “Success”): Representing the interests of the United Fruit Company and freedom-loving people everywhere, the US covertly overthrows elected President Jocobo Guzman Arbenz, sinking a British merchant vessel in the process. Inaugurates a series of brutal dictatorships through the 1980s, with residual corruption and human rights abuses continuing to this very day.
1956,1957—Syria (Operations “Wakeful” and “Wappen”): US attempts to trigger coups to forestall the “leftist” Ba’ath Party. Both fail miserably. Pass the So’oap.
1957-1958—Indonesia (Operation “Archipelago”/ Project “Haik”): USA assists and conducts unsuccessful paramilitary operations against the government of Achmed Sukarno in reaction to his non-alignment strategy, under which he had proposed such inflammatory ideas as an American-Soviet summit (Hey, like we said, you’re either with us or against us!).
1959—Iraq (Codename unknown): US sets up interagency group to consider covert operations to prevent a Communist takeover. Six months later comes the attempted assassination of the Iraqi leader Abdul Karim Qasim by a young up-and-comer named Saddam Hussein.
This and the following have been gleaned from Safe For Democracy: The Secret Wars of the CIA, by John Prados… who gleaned them from the extensive research of unclassified documents we don’t have the means (or energy) to access.
Project "Democracy," Part Deux
1959-1965—Cuba (Bay of Pigs, Project Mongoose, etc.): Includes extensive bombings of Cuban infrastructure and the failed invasion at Playa Giron, which was waylaid by insufficient intelligence, planning, and support (sound familiar?) and only served to radicalize Castro, driving him into Soviet (nuclear) arms. Afterwards the Kennedy administration escalates efforts to take down el barbudo, targeting him with such thoughtful gifts as radioactive shoes, a scuba diving suit inlaid with tuberculosis and fungus, poisoned pens and cigars, and visits from Mafia hit men.
1960—the former Belgian Congo/ Zaire: the US, along with the Belgians (whose history of oppression here is a whole other tome), overthrows the democratically-elected government of Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba. The target of documented US assassination plots, he is eventually beaten and killed.
1963—Guyana: with the help of former colonists Great Britain, the US removes the legally-elected Cheddi Jagan from power. Guyana does not have another free election until 1992.
1964—’Nam: LBJ gets his Gulf of Tonkin resolution (in lieu of a declaration of war) in response to an attack that never was (although, in fairness, there was a real one two days before). You know the rest.
1968-1973—Chile: After the Nixon administration escalates covert operations to include the manipulation of world markets (in order to destabilize the country), they get the coup they wanted. Prime Minister Salvador Allende Gossens is overthrown and commits suicide. General Augusto Pinochet declares a state of emergency and begins a campaign of repression that will kill thousands.
1972-1975—Iraq (again): US provides covert support for the Kurds to help their ol’ buddy in Iran— until His Shahness works out a deal w/ Saddam and leaves a pile of steaming Kurds. As Henry Kissinger explains, “Covert action should not be confused with missionary work.” Or the missionary position.
1960—the former Belgian Congo/ Zaire: the US, along with the Belgians (whose history of oppression here is a whole other tome), overthrows the democratically-elected government of Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba. The target of documented US assassination plots, he is eventually beaten and killed.
1963—Guyana: with the help of former colonists Great Britain, the US removes the legally-elected Cheddi Jagan from power. Guyana does not have another free election until 1992.
1964—’Nam: LBJ gets his Gulf of Tonkin resolution (in lieu of a declaration of war) in response to an attack that never was (although, in fairness, there was a real one two days before). You know the rest.
1968-1973—Chile: After the Nixon administration escalates covert operations to include the manipulation of world markets (in order to destabilize the country), they get the coup they wanted. Prime Minister Salvador Allende Gossens is overthrown and commits suicide. General Augusto Pinochet declares a state of emergency and begins a campaign of repression that will kill thousands.
1972-1975—Iraq (again): US provides covert support for the Kurds to help their ol’ buddy in Iran— until His Shahness works out a deal w/ Saddam and leaves a pile of steaming Kurds. As Henry Kissinger explains, “Covert action should not be confused with missionary work.” Or the missionary position.
Project "Democracy," San-Ban
1975-1976, 1980-1988 Angola (Project “Feature,” etc.): The US gets involved in another post-colonialist morass (somehow, that word seems fitting), bankrolling the group that instigates the violence and consequently undoes any potential political solution. Becomes another Cold-War hot war with Cubans and Soviets supporting the opposition, and the South Africans on “our” side (that played really well in the rest of Africa!).
1979-1991—Afghanistan: US provides intelligence and weapons for the mujahedeen, who successfully repel the Soviets after a decade of resistance. Afterwards, over half of the “Stinger” missiles provided by the US are unaccounted for, even when they offer to buy them back at over four times the initial cost ($150,000 each). A young Saudi engineer by name of bin Laden gets involved in the latter stages of the war, and while not (apparently) benefiting directly from US aid, takes advantage of the post-war climate to set up training camps for global jihad.
Incidentally, it was during this war that President Reagan first uses the term “freedom fighters.” In his defense, though, do you remember what he did when 200+ marines were killed in Beirut? He pulled the troops out.
1980—Cambodia: US bankrolls allies of Pol Pot & the Khmer Rouge, known for fighting the Vietnamese and, oh, yes, killing up to ¼ of the Cambodian people.
1980-1988—Nicaragua (Project “Democracy”): Yes, that was its actual title. In the name of Lady Liberty, US revives economic destabilization tactics, illegally arms, funds, and trains the contras, and mines Nicaragua’s harbors, blowing up a Japanese and a Soviet ship along with those of Nicaraguan fishermen. When funds for the covert operation dry up, someone gets the bright idea of using the money from Iranian arms sales (another day!) to fund the project. Major players get off scot-free, and several are surfacing again under the current administration.
2000—USA: United States installs George W. Bush as the 43rd president of the United States.
There may well be more, but we are tired.
(Editor’s note—this should help explain why we are in (on?) a undisclosed offshore location)
1979-1991—Afghanistan: US provides intelligence and weapons for the mujahedeen, who successfully repel the Soviets after a decade of resistance. Afterwards, over half of the “Stinger” missiles provided by the US are unaccounted for, even when they offer to buy them back at over four times the initial cost ($150,000 each). A young Saudi engineer by name of bin Laden gets involved in the latter stages of the war, and while not (apparently) benefiting directly from US aid, takes advantage of the post-war climate to set up training camps for global jihad.
Incidentally, it was during this war that President Reagan first uses the term “freedom fighters.” In his defense, though, do you remember what he did when 200+ marines were killed in Beirut? He pulled the troops out.
1980—Cambodia: US bankrolls allies of Pol Pot & the Khmer Rouge, known for fighting the Vietnamese and, oh, yes, killing up to ¼ of the Cambodian people.
1980-1988—Nicaragua (Project “Democracy”): Yes, that was its actual title. In the name of Lady Liberty, US revives economic destabilization tactics, illegally arms, funds, and trains the contras, and mines Nicaragua’s harbors, blowing up a Japanese and a Soviet ship along with those of Nicaraguan fishermen. When funds for the covert operation dry up, someone gets the bright idea of using the money from Iranian arms sales (another day!) to fund the project. Major players get off scot-free, and several are surfacing again under the current administration.
2000—USA: United States installs George W. Bush as the 43rd president of the United States.
There may well be more, but we are tired.
(Editor’s note—this should help explain why we are in (on?) a undisclosed offshore location)
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Deja Nang
“We are not the French—we are coming as liberators, not colonialists.”
—McGeorge Bundy, National Security Advisor for the Kennedy administration, on whether the US would succeed in Vietnam.
—McGeorge Bundy, National Security Advisor for the Kennedy administration, on whether the US would succeed in Vietnam.
source: Harvard Magazine, July-August 2007
(Editor’s note—we can not claim to have gotten access to said periodical through legitimate means)
Free Willies
This past Friday the 13th, 4 lobsters escaped from a holding tank in a remote part of the Atlantic Ocean, where they were awaiting appeal before being boiled alive. They were big and active, while the nails on the crate were rusted and the wood rotting. May they live long and prosperous lives.
We had green chili stew instead. The chicken wasn’t so lucky.
We had green chili stew instead. The chicken wasn’t so lucky.
Ocean's 360
According to the May, 2003 issue of Boating magazine, the average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm for each act of coitus; with only 10% making it to its mate, that means each time it, shall we say, unloads, it deposits 360 gallons into the ocean.
(Editor’s note: the fact that we are quoting from a four-year-old boating magazine, featuring the main heading, “What Women Want: 10 Ways to Make Her Love Your Boat,” gives you a hint of the dearth of reading material in (on?) our undisclosed offshore location)
(Editor’s note: the fact that we are quoting from a four-year-old boating magazine, featuring the main heading, “What Women Want: 10 Ways to Make Her Love Your Boat,” gives you a hint of the dearth of reading material in (on?) our undisclosed offshore location)
Monday, July 9, 2007
Cuidado, Motherf***er! Rebel Music, 2007.
"Cuidado"— Slo-Mo: not what would traditionally be considered a rebel song, but the f-bombs are delivered with a crispness and alacrity that we can only strive for. Plus, we have a soft spot for (read: compassion towards/understanding of) bad Spanish.
"Uncle Sam Goddamn"— Brother Ali: our current favorite, the man tells it like it is.
"What’s Going On"— The Dirty Dozen Brass Band (featuring Chuck D.): while updating Marvin Gaye’s classic, they may make some wish the senior Mr. Gaye had turned his gun on someone else’s son.
"Welcome to Jamrock"— Damian Marley: Jr. Gong, carrying on the tradition.
"Downpressor Man"— Sinead O’Connor: say what you will about Ms. O’Connor (and cover songs, in general), she holds her own here (her own what, we can’t say). Besides, she drops an f-bomb right where we used to when singing along to the original (and untouchable) Peter Tosh version.
"Kalukata Show"— Mixmaster Mike, Lateef, and the Gift of Gab (of Blackalicious): from the album “Red Hot + Riot,” which resonates even further today.
"Clandestino"— Manu Chao: se habla espanol.
"We Don’t Stop"— Michael Franti & Spearhead: Bush War I and Bush War II, a war for me and a war for you.
"Song for the Apocalypse"— Daniel Sharp: it’s coming.
CLASSICS
"Killing in the Name"— Rage Against the Machine: the “F*** You I won’t Do What You Tell Me” song. Our anthem. After this, the group had no more reason to exist.
"By the Time I Get to Arizona"— Public Enemy: the gov’t got smart & changed it (the lack of an MLK holiday) before they got there.
"The Revolution Will Not Be Televised"— Gil Scot Heron: no, but you will read it here first.
"Uncle Sam Goddamn"— Brother Ali: our current favorite, the man tells it like it is.
"What’s Going On"— The Dirty Dozen Brass Band (featuring Chuck D.): while updating Marvin Gaye’s classic, they may make some wish the senior Mr. Gaye had turned his gun on someone else’s son.
"Welcome to Jamrock"— Damian Marley: Jr. Gong, carrying on the tradition.
"Downpressor Man"— Sinead O’Connor: say what you will about Ms. O’Connor (and cover songs, in general), she holds her own here (her own what, we can’t say). Besides, she drops an f-bomb right where we used to when singing along to the original (and untouchable) Peter Tosh version.
"Kalukata Show"— Mixmaster Mike, Lateef, and the Gift of Gab (of Blackalicious): from the album “Red Hot + Riot,” which resonates even further today.
"Clandestino"— Manu Chao: se habla espanol.
"We Don’t Stop"— Michael Franti & Spearhead: Bush War I and Bush War II, a war for me and a war for you.
"Song for the Apocalypse"— Daniel Sharp: it’s coming.
CLASSICS
"Killing in the Name"— Rage Against the Machine: the “F*** You I won’t Do What You Tell Me” song. Our anthem. After this, the group had no more reason to exist.
"By the Time I Get to Arizona"— Public Enemy: the gov’t got smart & changed it (the lack of an MLK holiday) before they got there.
"The Revolution Will Not Be Televised"— Gil Scot Heron: no, but you will read it here first.
available on iTunes at http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=259689195
Schlock Rock
After much review and analysis, we have concluded that the following musucians/bands should hang it up:
Dave Matthews: We see no need to listen to a pudgy, balding, middle-aged white guy whine insipid lyrics about his "dreamgirl" lifting up her skirt and showing her world to him.
(Editor's note-- we could do that ourselves)
Eric Clapton: The soul is gone.
Red Hot Chili Peppers: While they have perfected hip-hop elevator music (which gives us a certain amount of auditory pleasure), they have been playing the same song ("Dani Californication (Under the Bridge)") for over 10 years.
Eminem & 50 Cent: We sense they no longer have anything to say (though we are worried that "Fiddy" might use this as an excuse to bench-press us).
Dave Matthews: We see no need to listen to a pudgy, balding, middle-aged white guy whine insipid lyrics about his "dreamgirl" lifting up her skirt and showing her world to him.
(Editor's note-- we could do that ourselves)
Eric Clapton: The soul is gone.
Red Hot Chili Peppers: While they have perfected hip-hop elevator music (which gives us a certain amount of auditory pleasure), they have been playing the same song ("Dani Californication (Under the Bridge)") for over 10 years.
Eminem & 50 Cent: We sense they no longer have anything to say (though we are worried that "Fiddy" might use this as an excuse to bench-press us).
Straight Shootin’
Rejected titles:
According to government documents, in 1994 the US military investigated building a "gay bomb," which would have made enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. We got this from our “source” on American news, namely the British Broadcasting Company:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4174519.stm
Reports are that this will be the catch-phrase at next year’s Tony awards.
While we admire the capacity of the military to “think outside of the box,” as it were, we hope that the targeted soldiers would at least be afforded the right to marry; after all, shouldn’t they have the right to suffer like the rest of us?
- “Make Doggy-Domination Love, not Doggy-Domination War”
- “Don’t Ask Don’t Yell”
- “The Unit-Bomber”
- “The Beast With Two Butts” (for the remaining Shakespeareans in the proverbial house)
According to government documents, in 1994 the US military investigated building a "gay bomb," which would have made enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. We got this from our “source” on American news, namely the British Broadcasting Company:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4174519.stm
Reports are that this will be the catch-phrase at next year’s Tony awards.
While we admire the capacity of the military to “think outside of the box,” as it were, we hope that the targeted soldiers would at least be afforded the right to marry; after all, shouldn’t they have the right to suffer like the rest of us?
The B&M Bomb
As the article reveals, the gov’t also considered a “flatulence bomb” (a term which is, in our eyes, redundant) as early as 1945. We see this approach as two-fold: drop beans on ‘em, and if the cans don’t get ‘em, the musical fruit will. Or you could just invite ‘em to a good-ol’ bean supper, Maine-style.
(Ayuh.)
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Happy Subjugation Day!
From the late, great Frederick Douglass:
What, to the American slave, is your 4th of July? I answer; a day that reveals to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to which he is the constant victim. To him, your celebration is a sham; your boasted liberty, an unholy license; your national greatness, swelling vanity; your sound of rejoicing are empty and heartless; your denunciation of tyrants brass fronted impudence; your shout of liberty and equality, hollow mockery; your prayers and hymns, your sermons and thanks-givings, with all your religious parade and solemnity, are to him, mere bombast, fraud, deception, impiety, and hypocrisy -- a thin veil to cover up crimes which would disgrace a nation of savages. There is not a nation on the earth guilty of practices more shocking and bloody than are the people of the United States, at this very hour.
What, to the American slave, is your 4th of July? I answer; a day that reveals to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to which he is the constant victim. To him, your celebration is a sham; your boasted liberty, an unholy license; your national greatness, swelling vanity; your sound of rejoicing are empty and heartless; your denunciation of tyrants brass fronted impudence; your shout of liberty and equality, hollow mockery; your prayers and hymns, your sermons and thanks-givings, with all your religious parade and solemnity, are to him, mere bombast, fraud, deception, impiety, and hypocrisy -- a thin veil to cover up crimes which would disgrace a nation of savages. There is not a nation on the earth guilty of practices more shocking and bloody than are the people of the United States, at this very hour.
from www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4h2927.html
Rules of Engagement
Albert Einstein’s Proposed Contract to his first wife:
Conditions.
A. You will make sure:
1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;
2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.
B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, you will forego:
1. my sitting at home with you;
2. my going out or traveling with you.
C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:
1. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;
2. you will stop talking to me if I request it;
3. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.
D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.
In return, I assure you of proper comportment on my part, such as I would exercise to any woman as a stranger.
P.S. She accepted the terms. While we have doubts that this type of arrangement would fly in the current age, those of you who find this appealing should stay tuned: “iWife” is scheduled for release in April 2008.
Conditions.
A. You will make sure:
1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;
2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.
B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, you will forego:
1. my sitting at home with you;
2. my going out or traveling with you.
C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:
1. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;
2. you will stop talking to me if I request it;
3. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.
D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.
In return, I assure you of proper comportment on my part, such as I would exercise to any woman as a stranger.
from www.delta-sky.com/2007_06/StarPages/index.html
P.S. She accepted the terms. While we have doubts that this type of arrangement would fly in the current age, those of you who find this appealing should stay tuned: “iWife” is scheduled for release in April 2008.
Postings
No, budding Shakespeareans, we do not refer to the variety that takes place 'tween seam-ed sheets. Get thee to a nunnery! We refer instead to the erratic nature of updates on said site; while at some point we hope to produce them at a regular rate, for the time being they will be brief, flighty, and erratic. We are also abandoning our semi-conventional dwelling in a major metropolitan area to a series of "undisclosed locations," the last one being an "undisclosed offshore location." These facts are related.
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