Stingrays- I was told, “It’s not the piranha you need to worry about. They usually won’t bother you. It’s the stingrays”. Stingrays? “Yeah, they lie on the bottom and will zap you- sting you- if you step on them. They don’t like noise, though. If you make a racket before going in they usually won’t bother you”.
Someone else went in. So I went in. And it felt good.
Then I found out about the rest of them.
Bugs that lay eggs in you- One of those Amazonian bugs had lodged itself the back of this guy on his last dig, and that first night they had forced out the larvae with a knife as he screamed. Looking at the bloody thing didn’t exactly whet my appetite.
Microorganisms which swim up your penis and lodge themselves in your urethra- I hear about these in every third-world country I go to, but have yet to hear of an actual documented case. I think it’s just a polite way of telling you not to skinny-dip or piss in the water.
Snakes- I would occasionally be interrupted by diversions such as the large snake that this local guy had apparently smashed on the head when it attacked him… but you could never tell if he was telling the truth. I learned later that he usually wasn’t.
Wasps- We’re talking Amazonian wasps here. You don’t want to mess with them.
Electric eels- And then there were the twin electric eels that our host/ boatman/ all-around handyman had on the makeshift dock; huge, maybe three feet long. Fortunately, they must have been recharging while I was paddling around.
More fish with big teeth- “Trieda… sharper teeth than a piranha”. On the way back one day we pulled alongside the other boat. I looked. One of my compatriots had toilet paper or something wrapped around her middle finger, bright crimson. One of them there triedas. Got her when she was dragging her hand in the water.
I think it was that day that I stopped swimming.
Caiman- Caiman also lurked in the waters, I was told. Our handyman went out hunting them in the middle of the night. He usually took one of the ladies. When it was my turn to go he mysteriously forgot to wake up.
Natural Viagra- They sold it in the markets. I think our handyman used it.
The largest rodent in the world- The capybara, the granddaddy of all rodents, sporting two beaver-like teeth, and fillets that tasted like a well-spiced steak. I don’t think it would eat you.
The second largest rodent in the world- The paca, one resembling a massive rat, the second bigger but with coloring similar to that of a chipmunk. Ate both of those motherf***ers.
Stork- Not bad.
Jerked meat- in a can. A local favorite. Not sure what it was in a past life.
Big-a** snakes- One of the last days up river I saw a huge yellow and black spotted mass floating down the river. A snake, a snake, I looked harder, definitely a snake. I pointed it out to our fearless leader; she didn’t seem to react, but I was told that yes, the locals saw it too, it was an anaconda.
Later I was told it was not an anaconda, just a big snake. My guidebook said there were boas there, but didn’t say anything about anacondas.
I like the sound of “anaconda” better.
Either way, you ain’t getting me back in that water.
originally posted at opiummagazine.com
