Amazoniac II: Unburdening the Beast

It seems that I ruffled a few feathers with my treatise on Amazonian fauna. Many readers couldn't get past the fact that I confessed to eating a stork. One went as far as to label me a “baby-killer.” Amidst this uproar, I feel it necessary to clarify my stance on vermin. To eat crow, if you will.

I am for animal rights for the following reasons:

• It’s a good excuse to throw paint on rich people

• It’s a good excuse to watch supermodels get naked

• They make synthetics that keep your head just as well insulated when you have to leave your igloo to go club baby seals

• Platypi… Platypussies… er, whatever you call more than one platypus. Those things are cool.

• Kobe beef: They massage them, play classical music for them, and feed them beer. They still kill them, but it’s an improvement, right?

• PETA and those Animal Liberation guys (ALF)… I’m afraid they might make me an offer I can’t refuse… although I don’t think it’ll involve a headless horse. Just kidding about the baby seals, guys.

• Alf- That furry guy kinda grew on me

• Dogs- Walking your dog is a great way to meet cool single chicks. It’s almost cheating.

(Editor's note-- while we no longer condone the use of the word "chicks," it seemed essential to the parallel structure of this piece)

• A certain black dog with a white chest and paws who was rescued from a foxhole in a Delta ditch (It’s true, ladies, I am sensitive)

So there you have it. That’s where I stand. I’m still wondering about some of you vegans… I think you do it not because you love animals, but because you hate plants. If you still don’t get it, I cordially invite you to feed me a bunch of beer and then turn on the Mozart and eat me.

originally posted at opiummagazine.com