The cartoon below, meant to personify US foreign policy in the run-up to the War in Iraq, is no longer current. To better reflect current conditions, the caption should read, "[...] to smell my finger."
Also, his hair should be grayer.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Saturday, June 16, 2007
WE'RE BA-ACK!
A few eons ago, there existed in cyberspace an irreverent and slightly off-colour web site by name of “Hypomaniac.” Its demise began when the brains and brawn of the operation was kicked off the public library’s computer for his use of profanity, which was followed by an extended disclaimer from the evicting librarian that she had not, in fact, been reading the document over his shoulder. The final nail in the coffin came when tripod.com inexplicably discontinued said page due to “inactivity.”
Since then, time has marched on, and in the process, we have become older and wiser. Rather than easing our concerns about the state of the world, however, this newfound maturity has only made us more alarmed. Indeed, we would collectively argue that current conditions MANDATED a re-launch. With the desire to turn over a new leaf/hypertext, accompanied by our improved mental state (?) (and the fact that the site by that name was already claimed by somebody hoping to provide help for those actually suffering from the malaise), we settled upon a new name, “Typomaniac,” which, according to a website we discovered, means "one with a manic desire to see oneself in print.”
Unfortunately, this could not be verified by any legitimate dictionary, and besides, it turns out another troubled soul had already claimed that website (and not produced anything since 2001, we might add), leaving us in a slightly frazzled and manic state.
Back where we started, as it were...
Since then, time has marched on, and in the process, we have become older and wiser. Rather than easing our concerns about the state of the world, however, this newfound maturity has only made us more alarmed. Indeed, we would collectively argue that current conditions MANDATED a re-launch. With the desire to turn over a new leaf/hypertext, accompanied by our improved mental state (?) (and the fact that the site by that name was already claimed by somebody hoping to provide help for those actually suffering from the malaise), we settled upon a new name, “Typomaniac,” which, according to a website we discovered, means "one with a manic desire to see oneself in print.”
Unfortunately, this could not be verified by any legitimate dictionary, and besides, it turns out another troubled soul had already claimed that website (and not produced anything since 2001, we might add), leaving us in a slightly frazzled and manic state.
Back where we started, as it were...
HYPOMANIAC'S GREATEST HITS: 10th Anniversary Edition
Before delving into the morass that constitutes current geo-political discourse (?), we thought it best to take a trip back through time to the original "Hypomaniac" and see how well it has held up over the past decade. The following were dredged up from the original databanks. Hold your nose and proceed....
Barney is Satan/ Fun With Math
Since its inception, we have felt that Microsoft Barney was far more evil than Joe Camel. We had no tangible reason; maybe it was our fears that it would make kids addicts before they could even walk. This Monday, however, a document landed on our desk with the math that went beyond our wildest nightmares.
1. Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2. Change all the "U"s to "V"s (which is proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3. Extract all Roman numerals:
C V V L D I V
4. Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5. Add the numbers:
666
Q. E. D.
1. Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2. Change all the "U"s to "V"s (which is proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3. Extract all Roman numerals:
C V V L D I V
4. Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5. Add the numbers:
666
Q. E. D.
this was written on Microsoft Word
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
GOOD, BAD, UGLY
Marilyn Monroe, Leona Helmsley, Paula Jones
Gandhi, Hitler, Lou Duva
Plymouth Valiant, Ford Pinto, AMC Gremlin
Marilyn Monroe, Leona Helmsley, Paula Jones
Gandhi, Hitler, Lou Duva
Plymouth Valiant, Ford Pinto, AMC Gremlin
Real Men, Circa 1997
REAL MEN
Ralph Nader- You've got to love a guy who will run for president while refusing to support his party's platform, accept campaign contributions, or appear on TV.
(Editor's note: Overheard at a conference on Microsoft that year by yours truly: when asked if he owned a personal computer, Mr. Nader responded, "Oh, God, no. I don't go near the things.")
Michael Moore- For taking the piss out of our society while not losing his sense of humor- that's not always easy to do, but the only way to do it and remain sane.
(Editor's note-- the whole "rumpled guy with the baseball cap" thing is getting old)
Abner Louima- For taking a plunger up the a** and not being afraid to tell the world about it.
(Editor's note-- Louima was a Haitian immigrant who was the victim of police brutality. We did not realize at the time that this did not qualify as torture.)
Chris Rock- For talking about things us "crackers" can't talk about, and for pointing out that our problem with the n-word is that "it's the only thing in the world that the average white man cannot use at his discretion."
Muhammad Ali- Just watch "When We Were Kings." White America didn't know how to deal with him.
Fidel Castro- He wore fatigues way before they were cool.
(Editor's note-- we were really talking about the young, spotty-bearded revolutionary, not the one currently on life support, although you have to give him, and the beard, credit for sticking around.)
That guy who wrote that book "The Missionary Position" a few years ago, which dissed Mother Theresa. That took balls. (editor's note- his name is Christopher Hitchens)
(Editor's note-- the previous editor's note was from the previous editor.)
(Additional editor's note-- after inexplicably becoming a stooge for the Bush administration, we were pleased to see Mr. Hitchens tap into his old cohones for his latest, "God is Not Great.")
MEN WITH RUGS
(in alphabetical order)
Marv Albert
Howard Cosell
Charles Grodin
Charlton Heston
Burt Reynolds
William Shatner
Frank Sinatra (not that we have a problem with that!)
(Editor's note: apparently, if our sources are correct, this list should now include Msr. Vincent Barbarino, "the Boy in the Bubble" himself, although we'd have to update the title to "Men with Mesh.")
http://education.makemeheal.com/index.php/Travolta,_John
(Editor's note to self: you may want to look into this.)
FEATURED COLUMNIST
The following are from a former columnist, a self-described "teacher, snake-hunter, and amateur archaeologist" who asked that his name not be used, for reasons of national, as well as personal, security. We'd tell you, as they say, but then we'd have to kill you. And to be honest, despite all our talk, we have never done that before, and wouldn't really know how to proceed.
Amazoniac: Links on the Food Chain
Piranha- You know about them, you’ve seen the movies.
Stingrays- I was told, “It’s not the piranha you need to worry about. They usually won’t bother you. It’s the stingrays”. Stingrays? “Yeah, they lie on the bottom and will zap you- sting you- if you step on them. They don’t like noise, though. If you make a racket before going in they usually won’t bother you”.
Someone else went in. So I went in. And it felt good.
Then I found out about the rest of them.
Bugs that lay eggs in you- One of those Amazonian bugs had lodged itself the back of this guy on his last dig, and that first night they had forced out the larvae with a knife as he screamed. Looking at the bloody thing didn’t exactly whet my appetite.
Microorganisms which swim up your penis and lodge themselves in your urethra- I hear about these in every third-world country I go to, but have yet to hear of an actual documented case. I think it’s just a polite way of telling you not to skinny-dip or piss in the water.
Snakes- I would occasionally be interrupted by diversions such as the large snake that this local guy had apparently smashed on the head when it attacked him… but you could never tell if he was telling the truth. I learned later that he usually wasn’t.
Wasps- We’re talking Amazonian wasps here. You don’t want to mess with them.
Electric eels- And then there were the twin electric eels that our host/ boatman/ all-around handyman had on the makeshift dock; huge, maybe three feet long. Fortunately, they must have been recharging while I was paddling around.
More fish with big teeth- “Trieda… sharper teeth than a piranha”. On the way back one day we pulled alongside the other boat. I looked. One of my compatriots had toilet paper or something wrapped around her middle finger, bright crimson. One of them there triedas. Got her when she was dragging her hand in the water.
I think it was that day that I stopped swimming.
Caiman- Caiman also lurked in the waters, I was told. Our handyman went out hunting them in the middle of the night. He usually took one of the ladies. When it was my turn to go he mysteriously forgot to wake up.
Natural Viagra- They sold it in the markets. I think our handyman used it.
The largest rodent in the world- The capybara, the granddaddy of all rodents, sporting two beaver-like teeth, and fillets that tasted like a well-spiced steak. I don’t think it would eat you.
The second largest rodent in the world- The paca, one resembling a massive rat, the second bigger but with coloring similar to that of a chipmunk. Ate both of those motherf***ers.
Stork- Not bad.
Jerked meat- in a can. A local favorite. Not sure what it was in a past life.
Big-a** snakes- One of the last days up river I saw a huge yellow and black spotted mass floating down the river. A snake, a snake, I looked harder, definitely a snake. I pointed it out to our fearless leader; she didn’t seem to react, but I was told that yes, the locals saw it too, it was an anaconda.
Later I was told it was not an anaconda, just a big snake. My guidebook said there were boas there, but didn’t say anything about anacondas.
I like the sound of “anaconda” better.
Either way, you ain’t getting me back in that water.
Stingrays- I was told, “It’s not the piranha you need to worry about. They usually won’t bother you. It’s the stingrays”. Stingrays? “Yeah, they lie on the bottom and will zap you- sting you- if you step on them. They don’t like noise, though. If you make a racket before going in they usually won’t bother you”.
Someone else went in. So I went in. And it felt good.
Then I found out about the rest of them.
Bugs that lay eggs in you- One of those Amazonian bugs had lodged itself the back of this guy on his last dig, and that first night they had forced out the larvae with a knife as he screamed. Looking at the bloody thing didn’t exactly whet my appetite.
Microorganisms which swim up your penis and lodge themselves in your urethra- I hear about these in every third-world country I go to, but have yet to hear of an actual documented case. I think it’s just a polite way of telling you not to skinny-dip or piss in the water.
Snakes- I would occasionally be interrupted by diversions such as the large snake that this local guy had apparently smashed on the head when it attacked him… but you could never tell if he was telling the truth. I learned later that he usually wasn’t.
Wasps- We’re talking Amazonian wasps here. You don’t want to mess with them.
Electric eels- And then there were the twin electric eels that our host/ boatman/ all-around handyman had on the makeshift dock; huge, maybe three feet long. Fortunately, they must have been recharging while I was paddling around.
More fish with big teeth- “Trieda… sharper teeth than a piranha”. On the way back one day we pulled alongside the other boat. I looked. One of my compatriots had toilet paper or something wrapped around her middle finger, bright crimson. One of them there triedas. Got her when she was dragging her hand in the water.
I think it was that day that I stopped swimming.
Caiman- Caiman also lurked in the waters, I was told. Our handyman went out hunting them in the middle of the night. He usually took one of the ladies. When it was my turn to go he mysteriously forgot to wake up.
Natural Viagra- They sold it in the markets. I think our handyman used it.
The largest rodent in the world- The capybara, the granddaddy of all rodents, sporting two beaver-like teeth, and fillets that tasted like a well-spiced steak. I don’t think it would eat you.
The second largest rodent in the world- The paca, one resembling a massive rat, the second bigger but with coloring similar to that of a chipmunk. Ate both of those motherf***ers.
Stork- Not bad.
Jerked meat- in a can. A local favorite. Not sure what it was in a past life.
Big-a** snakes- One of the last days up river I saw a huge yellow and black spotted mass floating down the river. A snake, a snake, I looked harder, definitely a snake. I pointed it out to our fearless leader; she didn’t seem to react, but I was told that yes, the locals saw it too, it was an anaconda.
Later I was told it was not an anaconda, just a big snake. My guidebook said there were boas there, but didn’t say anything about anacondas.
I like the sound of “anaconda” better.
Either way, you ain’t getting me back in that water.
originally posted at opiummagazine.com
Amazoniac II: Unburdening the Beast
It seems that I ruffled a few feathers with my treatise on Amazonian fauna. Many readers couldn't get past the fact that I confessed to eating a stork. One went as far as to label me a “baby-killer.” Amidst this uproar, I feel it necessary to clarify my stance on vermin. To eat crow, if you will.
I am for animal rights for the following reasons:
I am for animal rights for the following reasons:
- It’s a good excuse to throw paint on rich people
- It’s a good excuse to watch supermodels get naked
- They make synthetics that keep your head just as well insulated when you have to leave your igloo to go club baby seals
- Platypi… Platypussies… er, whatever you call more than one platypus. Those things are cool.
- Kobe beef: They massage them, play classical music for them, and feed them beer. They still kill them, but it’s an improvement, right?
- PETA and those Animal Liberation guys (ALF)… I’m afraid they might make me an offer I can’t refuse… although I don’t think it’ll involve a headless horse. Just kidding about the baby seals, guys.
- Alf- That furry guy kinda grew on me
- Dogs- Walking your dog is a great way to meet cool single chicks. It’s almost cheating.
- A certain black dog with a white chest and paws who was rescued from a foxhole in a Delta ditch (It’s true, ladies, I am sensitive)
originally posted at opiummagazine.com
Things Go Better With A**
Sometime in the last five years or so, it became OK to say “a**” on television. As a direct result, the medium has become much more amusing and succinct. It’s surprising where a little a** can get ya. I render for you a few case examples from the annals of modern speech.
BAD-A**
This is old-school, but consider the PG-rated alternatives before the latest linguistic renaissance. Just plain, “That is bad,” just doesn’t seem to cut it, and as for “gnarly,” “dope,” “fly,” and “jiggy”...
UGLY-A**: really ugly
as in O.J. Simpson describing the Bruno Magli shoes he supposedly never wore: “I wouldn’t wear those ugly-a** shoes.” Compare it to the alternative, “I wouldn’t wear those ugly shoes” or “I wouldn’t wear those clodhoppers.”
DUMB-A**
“Don’t be a dumb-a**,” as opposed to, “Don’t be a dumb fellow” or “Don’t be a nincompoop.”
LAME-A**
Better than “LAME-O”
(To quote the esteemed editor of Opium Magazine, “I'm wondering about the lame-a** one, though. Seems too easy.” What he wanted to say: “Don’t be bringin’ me none of that f***ed up lame-a** sh**!”)
See also sorry-a**, weak-a**
PUNK-A**
As in, “Shut up, you punk-a** b****.” Tell me a better way to put down a whiny guy who is annoying you.
BIG-A**
very big, as in, “Check out that big-a** booty with 2 capital ‘O’s!” Alternative: “Look at that pronounced derriere.”
In sum, if your language needs increased emphasis, we urge you “back that up with an a**.” Show ‘em what you’re workin’ with.
As for conjunctions, like Sir Mix-A-Lot, we like BIG BUTS.
We hope to continue this series with more words that celebrate the hindquarters and make our language more succinct. Professor, what’s another name for pirate treasure?
BAD-A**
This is old-school, but consider the PG-rated alternatives before the latest linguistic renaissance. Just plain, “That is bad,” just doesn’t seem to cut it, and as for “gnarly,” “dope,” “fly,” and “jiggy”...
UGLY-A**: really ugly
as in O.J. Simpson describing the Bruno Magli shoes he supposedly never wore: “I wouldn’t wear those ugly-a** shoes.” Compare it to the alternative, “I wouldn’t wear those ugly shoes” or “I wouldn’t wear those clodhoppers.”
DUMB-A**
“Don’t be a dumb-a**,” as opposed to, “Don’t be a dumb fellow” or “Don’t be a nincompoop.”
LAME-A**
Better than “LAME-O”
(To quote the esteemed editor of Opium Magazine, “I'm wondering about the lame-a** one, though. Seems too easy.” What he wanted to say: “Don’t be bringin’ me none of that f***ed up lame-a** sh**!”)
See also sorry-a**, weak-a**
PUNK-A**
As in, “Shut up, you punk-a** b****.” Tell me a better way to put down a whiny guy who is annoying you.
BIG-A**
very big, as in, “Check out that big-a** booty with 2 capital ‘O’s!” Alternative: “Look at that pronounced derriere.”
In sum, if your language needs increased emphasis, we urge you “back that up with an a**.” Show ‘em what you’re workin’ with.
As for conjunctions, like Sir Mix-A-Lot, we like BIG BUTS.
We hope to continue this series with more words that celebrate the hindquarters and make our language more succinct. Professor, what’s another name for pirate treasure?
posted originally at opiummagazine.com
Does God Wear Boxers or Briefs?
A TRANSCRYPTIC MEDLEY FROM THE REFERENDUM
ON THE MISSISSIPPI STATE FLAG
*
I tried writing an essay about this, but couldn’t write anything that wasn’t overwhelmed by the actual words spoken (and the reactions of the crowd). Thus, I left it as a sort of free verse. I wish I could take credit for the last comment, but I can't.
ON THE MISSISSIPPI STATE FLAG
*
I tried writing an essay about this, but couldn’t write anything that wasn’t overwhelmed by the actual words spoken (and the reactions of the crowd). Thus, I left it as a sort of free verse. I wish I could take credit for the last comment, but I can't.
*
I heard cries
Sounds like hatred
(Preach on!)
Like the HATRED that crucified JESUS.
The same people who went into the tabernacle to CRUCIFY him.
We better get our minds on SALVATION
We are the MINORITY of America
We been
WHUPPED down
ROLLED down.
GOD is getting ready to get something else to pass.
America is in SERIOUS TROUBLE with God.
(BYE-BYE!)
*
You’d better pray that the wrath of man does not produce the wrath of God.
STOP IT! Stop this stuff! Get the government OUT OF OUR HAIR!
Oh, yeah, I smoke but I don’t inhale…
STOP our ungodly government. Break our chains! Bring in a godly constitutional government.
We’re in trouble if this keeps up. I’M SERIOUS!
As the Bible said, you’re going to be cast out like a bad branch.
Government can’t rewrite the Bible. First they took over the schools. Then they’re going to take over the churches. They’re going to try to rewrite the Bible.
I pray.
Let’s all pray.
Heavenly father, give us strength….
That’s all I’ve got to say.
*
It ain’t about black and white. There were Black Confederate soldiers. It’s a good Christian symbol. I’d rather stand by it than bow down to government…
*
My kinfolks came over as indentured servants. What’s an indentured servant?
(A SLAVE!)
That’s right. So don’t talk to me about being in slavery.
*
Many died under it.
And many would be willing to die under it again.
Tonight it’s the state flag. What’s next… the American flag?
I can see the cross over there. Are they going to tear the cross down too?
*
Tell ‘em where they’re from
All you who want to change it.
(clap clap clap)
All you who want to leave it the way it is.
(HOO! HOO! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)
I got nothin’ more to say.
*
My nephew, Trent Lott, is in the U.S. Senate.
Leave the flag the way it is.
*
This ain’t about racism.
This ain’t gonna get rid of hate.
(Still gonna be hate!)
Heck, at Ole Miss they got ridda the flag just to get some more football players… and basketball players…
What’s next? Are they gonna ban cotton?
(Ban underwear!)originally posted at www.eyeshot.net
FASHION
Let's get one thing straight. We don't give a flying f*** what you wear. Go ahead and pierce your a**. We only care about what you think, and, hey, as long as we're being brutally honest, if you don't agree with us we're not too concerned about that either. When we want your opinion we'll give it to you.
(Editor's note-- we were angry young men.)
(Editor's note-- we were angry young men.)
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